Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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