note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
