I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize