And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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