I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
