he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
