You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
