I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize