Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The power of my boobs compel you
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
