Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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