I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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