hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
