Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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