So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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