So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
