In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
God, I missed his penis.
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