I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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