In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
