I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
