I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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