I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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