I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize