:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
soo... how was my night?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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