Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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