if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
