I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
