If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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