he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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