I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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