Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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