Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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