Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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