seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my shit smells like andre
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
