I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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