It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
