Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
