So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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