i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I wish there were birth control emojis
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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