Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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