Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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