So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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