I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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