good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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