why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
