So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
