worst night to have a conscience
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
