Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
