She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
