Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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