...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's blow job season.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
