2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
