I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I AM VODKA MAN
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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