Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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