I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
