Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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