just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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