Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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