cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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