Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
