her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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